Welcome one and all to the official eBaums World horoscope.  We have read the stars and come to you bearing this sacred and cherished knowledge. If you're uncultured in the ways of the cosmos you can check below to see what your Zodiac sign is. And we urge you not to forget. 

Harness the power of knowledge and see what the universe has in store for you! 

Aries

Today you will find both new and leftover food in your refrigerator. But be warned, because even though you might be tempted to heat up last night's meatloaf that does not mean you should. 

Taurus

The fire you feel for both your professional and personal relationships will eventually lead you to a life of misery and despair. Your dream job will one day let you go and the love of your life will reject your Tinder messages on account of you being the less attractive person in your group photos. 

Gemini

Be mindful of the cracks you are stepping on while walking the streets of your town or city. Even though you are not a superstitious person you may be surprised to find that a loved one may soon break their back because of your actions. 

Cancer

We're sorry to be the bearer of bad news but your test results came back positive and you do in fact have HIV. Also, you're ugly. 

Leo

You have been snubbed for far too long and soon the fruits of your labor will be rewarded. We all know you could have won many times over, but this year might be the year that you finally get your Oscar. 

Virgo

Do not give up on your dreams because they are closer now than ever before. You might be shy and you certainly lack confidence but that doesn't mean you'll stay a virgin forever.

Libra

Just when you think you have life figured out you realize it was all for nothing. Make sure you brush your teeth and wash behind your ears because no one likes people with dirty ears. 

Scorpio

Be wary of the coming days. A sign has been cast in the cosmos and the blood of your firstborn will soon be taken from the great God above the all mighty, Spaghetti Monster. 

Sagittarius

You will soon be trampled by a horse and at first, you might blame the horse but it is your fault for being such a shitty horse rider in the first place. Avoid horses. 

Capricorn

It may seem like a lost cause now and at the moment you might feel like a giant idiot, but do not be persuaded away from buying the giant bag of kettle corn you so desire from your favorite farmers market. In fact, there might just be something special there waiting for you. 

Aquarius

Your future tells me that soon you will fall in love with a fish, species unknown and you will struggle for a time before realizing that you're actually in a mental hospital and that your lover was a gift from your best friend Sara. 

Pisces

Ahh Pisces, yes, the least likeable astrological sign of them all. Sorry to break it to ya pal, but you're a dick. Always have been and always will be. We have no advice to give you, asshole.